Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Longing to Belong

Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere makes you longing for them both.

Losing it

What a year without proper holidays can do to you:
I have finally reached my boiling point. I'm a frenzy wreck, high on exhaustion, mad beyond control. Too many exclamation points on a daily basis. Restless insomniac lunatic.
You should never stop for too long but if you never stop at all... I'm Schrödinger's cat!
Clear and simple, I'm losing it.

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Johnny Johnny

Siblings are forever.
Going to your room, take your sleepy hand and make you follow me, little as you were, to sleep beside me and so protect me from my nightmares, my relentless nights. Without noticing it, you were a hero, saving your sister numerous times from her night demons.
Later in life, little has changed, the demons were replaced by crazy thirsters for life and the nights and days were themselves relentless. And when my body would finally succumb, I would then go find you wherever you were sleeping - in that deep sleep of yours - amidst all the euphoria, jumps and somersaults, music and war cries. I’d go and would take your sleepy hand, used as you were since we were little, and you would follow me, obediently. You would sleep no matter how big the turmoil around you, but you would always stand up to follow your sister. I would take you until I’d finally let you fall into a real bed where you’d keep on sleeping - that deep, beautifully serene sleep of yours.
How I envy your sleep, my brother. And how proud I felt every time I could take care of you, after so many years of you taking care of me.
Siblings are forever.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Love

Forget feelings. Towards someone I mean, towards just one. But by all means, love. Love it all, love them all, and at the same time. Love the sunset, love the sunrise, love the rain and the fog. Love the children, love the animals. All the animals. Love your Uber driver, love your grocery seller. Love your bartender, always love your bartender. Love your mailman, and the cranky lady at the counter. Love. The. Tube. In. The. Dreadful. Morning. But love. Love it all, love them all. All but just one.

Signed: the once called 'the hippiest of all punks'. 

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

When two evils meet

Ignorance gives me itches. Hypocrisy gives me rashes. Imagine when these two meet.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Blur

My room. My music. My self. Louder than reality. The world is but a blur.

The infested morning commute

Rats, I tell ya. We're a bunch of rats.
Yesterday, I waited for 5 trains before considering entering the tube. Today, I've lost count. 
Rats everywhere. Here I am waiting for the next tube. And the next. And a next. Until it's minimally bearable. Until I can feel I won't just pass out the second I enter the carriage. 
There, here comes another one. Not mine yet. The platform just got a new bunch of rats. Don't think I'll be entering the next one either.

Monday, 26 October 2015

Big Smoke

Having hibernated for more than a year, I've become insanely thirsty, an insatiable unbearable state of mind. Now, finally and long due, I have found a new fountain. New worlds, new ways, new passions. For without enough fuel, there's not enough drive. I am, slowly but surely, coming back. Thank you, Big Smoking Hot.

"Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford."

Monday, 12 October 2015

Whole

You know what's good about London, New York? In you I was only light, I could only be light. Here I can be dark too. I can explore both as much as I please. I'm becoming whole.

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Live lives

Too many lives have been lived already. It's time to stick to one, says the brain. But knowing your restless heart, would one life suffice? And why should it? Why should you stick to just one? You're not a tree. You don't even know roots. Don't listen to your brain, says the heart. Live all lives you can possibly live. Live them all.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Thames

Love is blind. I, daughter of the sea, the grandiose wonderful sea, am falling in love with a river. Of a pale brown, its waters are muddy and opaque. There's no curly white waves hitting the sand, reaching for the sky. And the horizon is of short reach. But it too has tides, it too has life, it too flows and never stops. Every stream lives, be it right here in the Thames or far out in the ocean. ⚓

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Music

Who's hugging whom, me or the music?

Here comes another me

Is a new me being born? Liberating something different?
This new feeling, what is it? Is it a new me, is it?

Will any of the others disappear? Make room for the new?
New me... come at ease. But don't let the others cease.

Bzz bee

My mind has a mind of its own. It's tired yet can't stop working, busier than a bzz bee. The more I try to shut it down the more it awakes. Such a little devil my mind is.

Monday, 7 September 2015

What is with this memory? II

How do people with good memory look into the past? Is it as clear as your last meal? As your last feeling? Can you still touch it?

How can I write about all that I've lived if my memory is my biggest obstacle? Will I get old enough to remember?
My memories are ethereal, I can't touch them. All I do is collect feelings. Where are the factual visions? All I see are flashes. Some beautifully warm, others cruelly cold. But all of them blurry.
All I do is collect feelings, impressions, thoughts, dreams. Some good, some nightmarish.
My worst nightmares are made of feelings, not monsters. Monsters, you can fight against. But ethereal stuff... if you can't grab it, you can't fight it. You can't win.
Can I still use it for my benefit as before? Can I channel my nightmarish thoughts into creative outputs? I used to. It should be like riding a bicycle.
Suddenly I'm back in my last flat in Coimbra, next to the States club. I'm writing furiously. Pages and pages, and pages after pages. The paper suffers.
I know the exact number of the repetitive pattern on the wall - multiply vertical with horizontal, boring actually. I could see a lot on those walls. They had a common form of a somewhat butterfly but it was easy to see new different forms in it. Two to three paintings lay around. At that time my favourite painting technique was oil colour; so the fumes of turpentine, oil and the paint itself played probably a good part on my sensorial visions. Lest forget, those were crazy times and certain 'flashbacks' were easy to reproduce.
There, a memory. Even if short, it becomes quite vivid after writing about it.

Maybe it is possible. Maybe if I start writing it down, the details may come and make my past sharp.
Someday I will remember. I'll remember everything.

Monday, 31 August 2015

Keep your senses sharp

My observation skills are sharpening again. Tenacious, hungry.
Yet the wider the doors of perception the more often one has to play dumb as in not to startle too much the world around us. And one needs the world to observe. To truly see.
Life is good from this side. Deliciously, exhilaratingly strange. Infinitely more interesting. It's good to be back.

Be amazed at all times.

Mood swings of a creative mind

One day:
Bad day today. Felt impotent, frustrated, excruciatingly dumb. What was wrong with me? I have to stay calm, don't undermine myself, don't recriminate, don't be too harsh on myself. That maybe the whole new move has taken more out of me than all the other moves combined. Maybe because I finally see a future and consequently, a future that's bound to bring risks with it. For the future has never felt this real. The foreseen of a settled life is much scarier than the unknown that carries on in any nomad life. But I'm ready. I am. I have never been this ready.
Calm down, Penelope. The first and most important step has been made. The rest will follow when time is right. Just you wait. Breathe, girl. Life is smiling.

The day after:
Wonderful day today. What a difference from yesterday. I was on a roll today. So much so that after my in-the-zone time I was pretty exhausted but what an intoxicating feeling it is. So good when your creative juices feel this high. 

"To be perfectly honest"

Don't say "To be perfectly honest". Just be it. And what's with the "perfectly"? Either you are honest or you're not, there's no middle ground here.

Yeah, we all know it's just an expression. It is very interesting to dissect it though.

To curse or not to curse

"People Who Curse All The Time Are Hotter, Confident And Less Stressed." - in some populist tabloid

The first time I said a curse word was on my 9th grade and only whispered as to see how it would sound. Such articles are bollocks. I'm cursing now more than ever and definitely not because I'm more confident, hotter, stress free or whatever. It just means life got into you and you let it. To be confident, to be 'hot' is not to have the need of cursing words to prove anything. I miss those days and I will fucking do any fucking thing to get that fucking back.

Destiny

Those who believe in destiny could you please explain me why? I mean, a real understandable explanation. For if everything is destined, to be, to happen - how do you explain cause and effect? How do you explain a change of course, a forgetting the wallet at home, a taking a shortcut, changing the mind at the last second. How can you possible believe in destiny? Is it all predicted? No matter what you do?

Probity

Probity. Stupid word, more stupid its definition. What does it bring you but pain and sorrow? Values are for fools. How I wish I could be a selfish ruthless bastard. Stupid heart.

Karma is for losers

There's no such thing as karma.
Just look at the world, one glimpse is enough to see the obvious.
It's our conscience we should care about. It's the only thing that distinguishes us as beings. And to know that none of us is perfect. Don't be too proud to apologize when you error, say when you're sorry and know that there are never too many thank yous.
Be your better self, one day at a time. For your conscience. Because at the end, it is all you got. No pseudo karma points in the world will ever save you from yourself.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Brain usage myth

Everyone knows that the use of mere 10% of our brain is nothing but a myth. Our brain is, in fact, active all the time. 24/7. Some areas may be more active at one time than others, but there is no part of the brain that is absolutely not functioning. This, of course, in the case of a healthy brain.

So, why the myth? Is it to push as further? To think we can do more, achieve higher levels? The whole freaking knowledge pyramid? Well, it surely doesn’t hurt.

But what I do truly believe is that there’s no ending to all we can learn. Not in a lifetime. Heck, not even two or three. Our brain is immense. Huge.

Our biggest problem though, lies on how to label every single new data. How to choose the proper shelves for each and every information we are drowning in nowadays. How to categorize what’s important and what’s not. What can help me in the future, what should stay as a warning, what should be solemnly absorbed and be used right here in the present.

For that, my friends, I have no answer. But I will keep on searching. Till the end of the lifetime.
And if there’s anything I know, I know I shall end with a whole new set of questions.

Monday, 25 May 2015

Real letters II

Even if it's in a digital form, one should write true letters again. It's the content that matters at the end. Wouldn't it be wonderful that one could put his entire soul into it, one day ecstatic, the other one mournful, the other just mad. No judging from any part, just a share of mood swings and so, in a distant future, maybe be able to understand the convulsions of the human mind.

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Lost for books

When I was very little I used to merge myself entirely into my worlds of fantasy. I was many times by myself and my fantasies were all I had. I was a very early reader and I could devour books in mere days and even hours. My parents would try to stop me at more inconvenient times like supper, road trips, parties, sleeping hours. But I couldn't, I would just dissolve into that written world and would come out of it like a zombie, craving for the next one.
I miss that. Have I expired all possible books that can make me so oblivious and fully involved? Away from the real world? Does growing up had anything to do with it? Has life came in between? Is there a way back?

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Jack Kerouac

I will travel back and forth, never resting, never resigning, always burning through.

Friday, 27 February 2015

Pet Peeve I

People that write big fancy words for the sole purpose of trying to look intelligent toward others. What if they knew that they are failing miserably? Their words are empty. It's just a babbling pile of nothingness.

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."

Raw

Give me the honesty of a raw city. The variety and the anonymity. The multitude and the singularity. The life, the vibe, the energy.

What is Fiction? Part I

I'm approaching it from one single point of view, knowing that it has innumerable different angles. 
Fiction and reality have coexisted since the dawn of mankind. Since we can Think, Dream and Wish. The line between fiction and reality is a very thin one, always was. We cross from one world into the other in such a commonly manner that many times we can't discern which is which. It fascinates us, it frightens us. It can make us to artists, it can make us to thieves. It isn't in us to dwell on what is real and what not for we must continue our fiction to create a better reality. And our fiction comes from reality. Reality makes fiction, fiction makes reality. There's no beginning, no end. They go hand in hand.